*I want to preface this post by stating that JUST BECAUSE Hadassah healed some old wounds from my pregnancy/delivery/first few months with Aaliyah, does not in any way, shape or form have any reflection on my feelings towards Aaliyah. I love that girl with all my heart and soul*
(38 weeks with Aaliyah)
Everything about my pregnancy/labour and delivery with Aaliyah and the first few months we so far removed from what I had planned in my mind. Granted, nothing in life goes to plan, but mine was so far removed it now seems almost ridiculous.
(First proper cuddle in special care)
I have previously written a whole post dedicated to my pregnancy with Aaliyah as well as her very traumatic birth. Needless to say I was a little (ok ALOT) cautious when it came to my pregnancy with Hadassah. I spent the first half of my pregnancy begging the Obstetrician to allow me to have a caesarean section. Needless to say that didnt happen.
(Aaliyah in Special Care, soon after she was born)
I never realised just how healing Hadassah has been until more recently. I didnt realise the resentment, guilt and anger I carried either. She really is the girl that healed my heart.
(Pregnant with Hadassah)
With Hadassah I got "the glow". You know, the one people talk about that happens when you are pregnant? With Aaliyah I looked like I had been starved for the last year. My pregnancy with Hadassah was much more normal. Besides a little preterm labour incident, her pregnancy was relatively drama free.
(Aaliyah and I at my baby shower for Hadassah)
I will never ever forget holding her in my arms for the first time. I kept saying over and over and over " I just had a baby". I kept waiting for the bad news to start. Waiting for them to take her away from me. Waiting for me to pass out, waiting waiting waiting. Nothing.
(moments after Hadassah was born)
Hadassah stayed on my chest for a good hour before they even weighed her. I was completely blissed out and almost forgot that I had had her all natural, not even gas (something that I NEVER thought I would ever do, I hate pain and always planned to have an epidural with every delivery).
I remember walking up to the ward with her, thinking "oh my goodness, so THIS is what it feels like". To be normal. To have a baby stay with you. To have a baby that doesnt have some form of abnormality. To be left to bond with my baby.
They did a hearing test on her, but I refused to photograph it. My thoughts at the time was that Aaliyah didnt get the chance so I dont want any evidence that Dass did (yes, I regret it).
I remember being discharged home a few days later, with little more than "make sure you follow up with your GP in six weeks, good luck". It was AMAZING.
The bond that took me a good six months with Aaliyah was almost instant with Dass. I guess it really does prove that how things start out can really dictate how well the mother bonds with the baby. (I want to say right now that just because I didnt BOND with Aaliyah straight away, doesnt mean I didnt LOVE her with all my heart, we just had so much going on with Lia that the bonding took a little longer).
And home we went, just the four of us. No appointments, no fear. I was relatively well, and was able to just "get on with it".
Healing. From the hurt I never realised I carried. From the pregnancy and delivery that rocked me to my core. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about Aaliyah's birth story and first few months. They will always be a part of her story, of who she is. And I have finally come to a place of acceptance. That even though it was traumatic. Even though her Microtia was unexpected. It was beautiful. It gave us her, the girl that made me a mama, the girl that made us a family.
Healing. It can come in many shapes and sizes. It can take a long time, or just a little. For me, it came in a 3kg bundle of love named Hadassah.
Aaliyah made me a mama, showed me that there can be beauty in the unexpected. That even though we may not be on the path we intended, the scenery can be just as beautiful if you happen upon a different way.
Hadassah, the girl that healed my heart. That showed me that even after the darkest of storms, there will be a rainbow. That looked up at me with the darkest of all eyes that seemed to say, everything will be alright. And it is.
Healing. To be made whole.
And these two girls are my whole world.